I was on my way to Los Angeles with my three-year-old sleeping in the back seat of my car. I’d had a taillight out for a while and hadn’t gotten around to replacing it. We were running behind schedule. I pulled up to a red light and a police car pulled up behind me.

“Oh no,” I thought. “That cop is going to see my burned out light and pull me over and we might be late for our flight!”

Then another voice chimed in. “Check your privilege,” it said.

I had been listening to the audiobook “Rest In Power: The Trayvon Martin Story.” I’d also recently read “The Hate U Give.” In both of those books, the authors discuss the hard conversations black parents have to have with their kids- the scripts I never even knew existed for what to do if a cop unfairly profiles you or pulls you over for no reason. The moment I thought “I might miss my flight,” I realized that I have never once been afraid of the police. Annoyed, bothered, feeling “unfairly” ticketed… maybe? But not once had the thought “I might lose my life” crossed my mind in any encounter with police. Suddenly, the concept of “white privilege” became clearer for me when… nothing happened. No police lights. No sirens. No ticket. No backup. Just a free pass to continue heading to the airport for my vacation with a burnt-out taillight. Privilege.

Right now, I am reading “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo and “How to be an Antiracist” by Ibram X. Kendi. I highly recommend them, especially if as a white person you’ve ever found yourself saying “but all lives matter,” or “why should I feel bad, I’m not a racist!” or calling into question what exactly a CHILD was doing before police officers twice her size felt justified in throwing her to the curb or shooting him…

And if you are a person who dismisses the white supremacy movement currently underway in this country, I highly recommend reading “Rising Out of Hatred: The Awakening of a Former White Nationalist.” This isn’t just “a few bad apples” or some minority “fringe” group being stupid and hateful on the Internet. This is a serious problem that is costing human lives.

I need to do better. I’m trying to figure out what the hell that is right now. I’m donating money, trying to amplify and promote non-white voices, having tough conversations with my son, reading and doing deep work on myself, including asking “is this blog post actually helping?” I don’t even know. I’m just feeling desperate and sad and I want to scream or cry or both.

Listen, read, learn, help, love, change.